Talking To Your Kids About Death

I recently lost a friend to cancer at the young age of 39. We had been praying for her nightly as a family for years. When we were informed by her husband that the end was close, it threw me off but it threw my kids off more.

When the news finally came that she was gone, I told my kids and they met me with blank stares. They couldn’t quite believe that someone they knew, a mom who had sat at the very counter where they were sitting, could die. Old people die. Not 39 year old moms. 

In the past couple of years I have been aware of several parents taken in their prime by illness. This prompted me to think of their children and all the children who knew them. Death and dying don’t really work their way into daily conversation.

I know a fair number of adults who refuse to enter hospitals, nursing homes and especially funeral homes. I recall a person once saying to me, “Oh I don’t ‘do’ funeral homes.” How sad that a grown adult can’t bring themselves to come alongside a friend or relative when there is a loss. Sure funeral homes aren’t the most comfortable setting in the world but our kids will have to enter one most likely at some point in their lives. 

For many kids their first experience with death is the loss of a family pet but even that doesn’t hold a candle to losing someone they know be it a grandparent or friend. What was hard about this particular situation with my friend was that she was young. It hit home to my boys that it meant I could die, Daddy could die or one of them could die.

Last week so all of his friends and classmates now painfully realize that sometimes even kids can die. What is usually a carefree time of the year has brought grief and probably many questions.

So how do you broach the subject with your kids? 

Like anything, working the topic into conversation from time to time allows them to know that it is a part of life. You don’t want to wait until a death occurs to have your first conversation about it. 

Being age appropriate is crucial. The way you discuss death with a 3 year old is very different than with a 10 year old. Keep that in mind. 

The book, How to Say It to Your Kids by Dr. Paul Coleman, suggests three things when a loved one has died: 

1. Encourage grieving
2. Share stories about the person
3. Celebrate the person’s life

I asked a therapist I know about this topic and he said to let the child lead which will show their comfort level. If the child isn’t ready to see a friend or loved one in an open casket respect that but keep the conversation going. If it will be a closed casket that is a good time to encourage children to come to the funeral home to become familiar with the process. Don’t deny any feelings a child may have no matter how dark or anger-filled. 

The National Institutes of Health has an excellent resource on this topic found here:  http://www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf