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Health & Fitness

Toddlers and Tiaras

Toddlers and Tiaras

 

Okay, so for those of you who don’t already know this about me, I’m a self confessed realty TV freak.  There.   Now you all know!  One of my obsessions, and I don’t know why, is TLC’s “Toddlers and Tiaras.” Perhaps being from the north and being totally devoid of any beauty queens coming from this region, as we all have seen our pitiful contributions to the Miss America contest, is what spawns my intrigue about this cultural phenomenon.

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Even if you don’t watch “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” (and this is one show I don’t watch), I’m sure by now you’re all familiar with her and have seen her and her family.  And to give credit where credit is due, even though I don’t watch this show,  I’ve seen Honey Boo Boo’s mom on TV talk shows and I do think that she is not making a diva out of her child and financially seems to be quite astute about her children’s futures.

Now back to the ultimate topic at hand and that is the toddlers and their stage moms (and pops as well in many cases).  The format for this show is to introduce three of the featured contestants that will appear in this episode’s pageant.  Each pageant has a theme.  The contestants are rated on beauty, outfit of choice or theme of the pageant, and sometimes talent.  The contestants can range in age from zero up to teenage or slightly older.  Well, you can just imagine the stage presence that a 3 month old baby can exhibit.

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The three prime contestants are featured in their homes showing off all their crowns, sashes, trophies and prizes won in previous pageants.  The little darlings then tell you how old they are, how many crowns they have won, how they are going to rock this pageant and why they are so special that the judges will just love them.  We then follow them through their tanning, waxing, nail extensions, manis and pedis, eyelash extensions, hair conditioning and highlighting, and coaching.   Oh yes, and we get to see them try on their flippers (artificial smiles) that usually wind up being too small or not having arrived from the flipper factory on time.

Parents then reveal how they spend thousands of dollars on custom made clothes and entrance fees, not to mention transportation and lodging for this event.  Oh yes, and how they bribe the child to perform by promising them ponies, horses, puppies, or whatever it takes to get these little divas to the pageant.  In many cases, the princesses are displaying poor behavior, telling the camera they don’t like pageants, don’t want to perform and are hitting their parents, while the mother is telling you how the child loves performing and how he or she has a great temperament.  Meanwhile we see how many of the younger contestants refuse to practice their routines consisting of pretty feet, pretty hands, shake it, rock it, bring it, etc.  Oh yes, occasionally a boy does compete in these pageants.  They usually do not throw temper tantrums as they are a bit older and obviously more willing participants.

Next, it’s time to watch them arrive at the pageant.  While many of these children do come from privileged backgrounds and arrive at the pageant by their own outfitted bus (Dolly Parton style), limos, Hummer limousines, and helicopters, many do not come from such privileged backgrounds, yet Mom somehow manages to pull out thousands and thousands of dollars a year to compete in these pageants.   Usually dad does not know how much money is being spent.  Many of these contestants compete in almost one show a month or possibly more.

On pageant day, all the contestants get a make-up job befitting Tammy Faye Bakker and coiffures to match Madam Pompadour.  Throughout this whole preparation  and prior to going on stage many of these contestants scream, yell, cry, throw tantrums, hit their parents, coaches or beauty providers,  

Now let’s talk about sugar, the “primary food group” for these children.  Giant Pixie Stix are consumed by the dozens per child, throughout the entire day.  Some parents just feed the children energy drinks and pure sugar.  None of the flavoring and artificial coloring will do for this set. 

Let’s talk about the dads, because it is not all moms.  Many of the fathers are willing and totally involved dads, and support the mom and child as well as participating in the contest by walking with the child (especially in the younger children’s cases) on stage, and parading them as they perform their routines.  Mom is usually out in front of the runway and mirroring the routine to this 2 – 3 year old contestant. This can be distracting for the pageant queen as she is supposed to be making eye contact all this time with the judges, while remembering to meet all the masking tape Xs on the runway.  Many of these little ones just stand there and refuse to perform or turn their backs to the judges. These moms come in variable sizes.  Most of them Large, Plus and Plus Plus.

Now it’s time for crowning.  Mom does not want her diva to be picked for anything in their age division for that means they did not get pulled for a Supreme or Ultimate Grand Supreme title.  Look how I picked up this lingo.  Maybe I should compete in one of these contests?

I could talk about the judges at this point in time but maybe that could be fodder for a whole other blog (just kidding).  I don’t think I would torture you with that.   Once the judges have voted and deducted points for ill fitting wardrobes, or wardrobe malfunctions, not looking at the judges, arriving late after being called three times and whatever other penalties they choose to inflict on these poor little children, the prizes are awarded.  Now is the time to witness the ultimate grand supreme tantrum when little miss ultimate diva does not get the crown, nor the prize money, nor the 14 foot trophy, nor the puppy to be given away as the Ultimate Grand Supreme Prize.

And people say I should get a life. 

Disclaimer

Please don’t get the wrong impression here.  Yes, for whatever reason I’m addicted to this show, I’m not promoting it.  I do feel in many cases this is child abuse or pretty close to it.    While some of these beauty queens do have amazing personalities and presence for their age and may go on in life to be actors, models or performers of some sort, I can’t condone the way, in many cases, these children are bribed, forced to perform, practice, are deprived of sleep in order to travel to these events and then fed a steady diet of sugar to give them energy throughout this long and arduous day.

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